I really wanted to start the New Year off like a lot people have. I wanted to share a cute post of me celebrating 2018, reflect on all the good memories, post photos of the best moments, and feel sentimental about it all. I really, really wanted to. But for some reason I just couldn’t.

Now, don’t get me wrong, 2018 was a truly wonderful year. It was full amazing memories such as: beginning classes towards my Master’s degree, traveling to see family and friends near and far, celebrating my 25^th birthday (thanks again babe for the surprise party!) and one year married to the love of my life, starting my blog, and much, much more! It was a year full of blessings.

There has been one thing that has continued to cloud the back of my mind these last few months and especially this holiday season.

Desperately wanting a baby.

I will admit, this is hard to write about. I often feel like I shouldn’t complain or feel disappointed about my longing because there are so many women filled with longing who have been told it is impossible for them to have children or others who have been waiting much longer than I. I feel as if I have no right to feel saddened or hurt by the beautiful announcements I see of friends and family beginning their journey to parenthood.

But friends, the reality is that I am. I am hurt and saddened. And it just feels unfair.

Anyone who is trying to conceive knows about the two week wait. Those fourteen days where you wait and see if this month is going to be THE month. It’s agonizingly long and you just cannot wait to see two pink lines appear. It feels like the longest two weeks of your life.

And you begin to feel like this is your month.

This is the month you will see those two lines and get to tell your family the exciting news. And because you just feel like it’s your month, you pack two little onesies you bought in anticipation the last time you felt like it was your month. Because you just have a feeling. And wouldn’t it just be the perfect Christmas surprise?

And Christmas in its beauty comes and goes. You celebrate and feel joyful and feel surrounded by love.

But, in the back of your mind you feel crushed. This wasn’t it. Another month has come and gone and you got excited, felt like this was it, but it isn’t. And now you have to begin again.

Friends, that was me this past month.

Alan and I spent the days leading up to our trip (which we are still on) feeling so hopeful. We talked about how we would tell our family and what their reactions might be. It probably was a little silly to get that excited before even knowing, but we couldn’t help it. And when those two pink lines never appeared, we felt defeated and crushed, and to be honest, still do a bit.

So, what’s the point behind this depressing New Year’s Day story?

Hope.

That’s it right there, friends. That is the message.

This season of life is not easy. Disappointment is not a path easily walked. But, what a HOPE we have in Jesus.

That is what I am clinging to in 2019. Hope.

Jesus restores, Jesus is faithful, Jesus is the hope I cling to.

Let me just share a little bit of the hope we have for 2019 and beyond, friends.

”Being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ.” -Philippians 1:6

“Fear not, for I have redeemed; I have called you by your name, you are Mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned, nor shall the flame scorch you. -Isaiah 43:1-2

“The eyes of your understanding being enlightened; that you may know what is the hope of His calling, what are the riches of the glory of His inheritance in the saints.” -Ephesians 1:18

“The Spirit Himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs—heirs of God and joint heirs with Christ, if indeed we suffer with Him, that we may also be glorified together.”-Romans 8:16-17

I do not know what you may be facing. Maybe 2018 was your best year yet or maybe 2018 was a year of struggle and heartbreak. What I do know is that there is hope. And the hope I know is eternal.

I’m resting in hope this year.

Tell me, what are you resting in?