Infertility sucks.

Big time.

No need to elaborate on that further.

So, how do you celebrate and enjoy the most wonderful time of the year when the only real present you want is a positive pregnancy test? ESPECIALLY when it feels like everyone around you is announcing their good news and all you see are cute baby bumps in pictures on social media.

What a holiday mood killer.

Alan and I know the full range of emotions all too well, friends.

(You can read our infertility backstory here. Long story short, we’re currently in the midst of saving for IUI or IVF and continuing to try to conceive naturally.)

We’ve experienced month after disappointing month of negative pregnancy tests for almost three years and it just doesn’t get any easier to deal with–most notably during the holidays.

Here are a few of our tips for making it through this time of year:

Start a Gratitude List

Sounds pretty trite, but it really does work. We’ve found that by focusing our energy on all that we had in our life, it became easier to deal with what we are missing. But don’t just create a list and forget about it–keep it going. Continue to add to it. Just when you think there’s nothing left to add, there will be something that comes to mind. Nothing is too big or too little to be thankful for. As you create and continue adding to your list, reflect and be mindful of what you are thankful for each day. An attitude of gratitude makes a difference.

Remember, there will be days (or many, many days) you aren’t grateful and that’s normal and completely ok.

Practice Grace

Allowing yourself and your partner grace is not just important for the holidays, but for the long haul of infertility. You will get upset when someone posts an announcement on social media and that is an absolutely normal and valid response. Give yourself grace to acknowledge and feel deeply about the situation and then give yourself grace to move forward, with gratitude for what you have (see tip #1).

“Grace releases and affirms. It doesn’t smother. Grace values the dignity of individuals. It doesn’t destroy. Grace supports and encourages. It isn’t jealous or suspicious.” – Charles Swindoll

Create Traditions

I used to think traditions were for people with children only. I thought I needed kids to do fun things around the holidays–how wrong I was! Alan and I have embraced the knowledge that it will be us for awhile and have been creating traditions and memories that will make parenthood even sweeter for both of us.

There are no rules regarding traditions, that’s the beauty of them! You and your partner get to decide what you love and make it whatever you want! It could be as simple as getting your favorite snacks from the grocery store and snuggling up to watch a Christmas movie or it could be as involved as making an ornament for your tree every year. It is up to you!

Here are a few of the traditions Alan and I do each year:

1. Christmas Memories Book: We fill out a Christmas memories book with our holiday excursions and memories along with our favorite pictures and card from friends/family. Here are links to a similar ones here and here.
2. Mini-Giving: We make a whole spread of food for Thanksgiving just for the two of us! We call it mini-giving and it’s one of our favorite days. See picture below.
3. Advent Calendar: Alan and I started this last year and we are so looking forward to this year! I filled up our advent calendar with notes and little gifts for Alan and this year Alan will be filling it up for me! It gave us a few moments each night to reflect on the true meaning of the Christmas season and was a fun way to give little meaningful gifts.

Give yourself the grace to create traditions and I promise it will make the holidays so enjoyable.

Talk to Your Family

I left this one for last because I know it can be the hardest to implement, but speaking to your family and setting some ground rules about what you’re comfortable talking about can be so freeing for the holidays and beyond. It can be so painful to be asked by relatives, “So, when are you going to give us a niece/nephew/grandchild, etc.” or “How’s baby making going?” or even better, “Ohh, you should conceive in March so you can have a Christmas baby!”

That last one was an actual comment a relative said to me, no joke.

Most relatives mean well, but these comments can be so painful and hurtful irregardless of intention. Being able to speak up for yourself in these situations is vital to your emotional wellbeing. My go-to response usually ends up somewhere along these lines, “Thank you for asking, we’re trying and we’re really hopeful!”

I found this great post of 30 of the Best Responses to “When are you going to have kids?” and it’s gold! Figure out your level of comfort when speaking about your infertility struggles and go from there. I promise your Aunt Judy won’t be THAT offended (maybe).

So there you have it friends! There is no magic pill that makes the holidays easier with infertility (I’d happily share), but I hope this gave you some ideas to help! If you ever need to talk, my DMs are open.

I’ll end with this verse:

“Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful.”

Hebrews 10:23