Hi friends! Today’s post is a bit out in left field in terms of fashion & beauty, but it has been on my mind for the past few weeks.

And I’m not really sure how to start this post, so I’m just going to jump right in.

I have chronic kidney disease (CKD), high blood pressure, and have been recently diagnosed with PCOS or polycystic ovarian syndrome (hormonal disorder that causes irregular menstrual cycles and is one of the leading causes of infertility in women). Whew.

I have, for the most part, generally avoided talking excessively about my health issues and when I do, I tend to breeze over them or emphasize that they’re really not that terrible and don’t really affect my day to day life all that much. I also tend to overthink my talking about them, often wondering if I have shared too much or come off as if I am looking for sympathy because of them.

But the true reality of my health has, I feel, hit me for the first time.

For years I have ignored or simply dismissed the talks and discussions with my parents, siblings, and myself that I need to maintain a healthy lifestyle in order to live longer and keep my kidneys functioning properly. I simply pushed it off, tried for a little while, failed, and gave up, or lived in denial. 

And now, in my mid-twenties, I face reality. 

(I’ll stop right now and say that my intention is not to call attention to myself or gain sympathy, but to just merely share a lesson I am learning right now.) 

I face the reality that my weight is not helping my diseases or conditions. I face the reality that what I have ignored and has become a larger problem. I face the reality that the future family I have been looking forward to for my entire life has been jeopardized by my inability to act.

Now, I realize that this may be coming off as harsh and I admit I can be my own harshest critic. But I can also be my own biggest enabler.

I feel there is a distinct difference between feeling a pressure to fulfill a seemingly unobtainable beauty standard and the true need to live a healthier lifestyle (which includes losing weight). I am 100% on board for loving yourself for who you are at whatever state of health (or size) you are. There’s nothing wrong with that. But, I think we tend to err on the side of loving ourselves in spite of our health (the treat yourself mentality). And that becomes a problem. I know it has become a problem for me. 

I have been telling myself for far too long I am doing just fine where I’m at, but all signs point the opposite direction.

So where do I go from here?

I’ll admit, this has been a tough lesson to learn. Actually, I’m still learning it. I struggle, I cry, I feel ashamed & guilty, but at the end of the day I am responsible. Responsible for where I am and responsible for taking the steps towards where I need to be. And I would be remiss if I did not mention the largest hope and encouragement through the weight of my reality and responsibility!

Here is what Paul says in Romans 8: 26-31;

“In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And he who searches our hearts know the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God. And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew, he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified. What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?”

What an encouragement! I’m taking heart in the hope I have in Christ–the truth that I am loved, called, and have a purpose. My reality may be overwhelming, but the God who knows all cares about it all and He wants to help me take steps in obedience and faith.

So there you have it. I realize this has literally nothing to do with fashion or beauty, but it’s something that has been weighing on my heart. This was a good way to get my thoughts & emotions out and you can take it or leave it (it’s totally ok if you don’t agree with me!). If you need someone to talk to, feel free to reach out or just tell me what you think!